Gambling Jokes for Fun

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Joke 1

A regular Friday night poker game is still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returns from the bathroom with an urgent report.

“Roger, listen,” the man says. “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.”

“OK, that’s it,” Roger says. “This is positively the last deal.”

Joke 2

Two men are at the casino and are just leaving to go home at 3 in the morning.

The first man says, “You know what I hate about this? When I go home, I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.”

The second man says, “What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the front door. Then I yell ‘Honey, I’m home,’ run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, ‘How about a little love, woman?’ She never even moves.”

Joke 3

TEN SIGNS YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH ONLINE GAMBLING:

1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.

2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a “hand pay.”

3. When your kid says math “came easy” today, you ask if it was a 4, 6, 8 or 10.

4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have a 4, 6, or 8 deck.

5. When your English professor says the author made his point, you ask if he pressed or not.

6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to “Come out,” and you ask for a 2-way C and E.

7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.

8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.

9. When the bartender asks if you want a “double,” you say not against an ace.

10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the “don’t.”

Joke 4

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: “Why so glum?”

Guy: “Why do you think? I’m in hell!”

Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?” Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Satan: “Well you’re going to love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don’t worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”

Guy: “Gee, that sounds great!”

Satan: “You a smoker?”

Guy: “You better believe it!”

Satan: “All right! You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”

Guy: “Wow, that’s awesome!”

Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”

Guy: “Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Satan: “Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow.”

Guy: “WOW! I never realized hell was such a cool place!”

Satan: “You gay?”

Guy: “Hell, no!”

Satan: “Hmmm, you’re gonna hate Fridays then.”